Learning to Set Boundaries

Besides the physical abuse I grew up with, everything my mother did to me was deniable.  It wasn’t always what she said but how she said it and what looks she was giving me at the time.  She was very sneaky with her abuse.

As an example, when Randy and I were engaged she gave us many gifts.  The one that comes to mind right now was the pots and pans.  Yes, it was a thoughtful gift but she pushed the box at me and with a sneer said “here!”  It was hard to respond with excitement or even just to be thankful.  I honestly wished that she hadn’t gotten it for us because it was just another reminder that she was going to go through the motions but not really be happy for me.  The gift was so that she could tell people that she got it for us.  They would never know how it was given to us, just that she gave it to us.

She would also deny that things even happened. Once Randy and I were married and back to regular work schedules the phone calls began. She would call me every morning when she knew Randy had already left and I was getting ready to leave. She called to tell me what a horrible, selfish person I was for leaving the family and getting married. I would leave for work, every single day, crying and questioning whether I had done the right thing. Being married to Randy was amazing. I couldn’t wait every night to get home from work and be able to just be with him but she had such a strong hold over me that every morning I questioned myself. It got to the point where I was seriously thinking about running my car into a light pole because I just couldn’t handle the stress she was putting on me. She just wouldn’t let me be happy.

Years later when we were in the middle of one of our many, many arguments I brought up her morning phone calls and she totally denied that she ever called me in the morning.  Arguing with her was truly useless.

I have always questioned my perception of things because she always made me feel like I was wrong with how I perceived everything.  This was one of the problems that Randy and I faced early on in our marriage.  I never wanted to tell him if he hurt me or upset me because I assumed that I probably took the whole situation wrong.  It took me over 20 years with him for me to trust my take on any situation and to tell him that something hurt my feelings or something he said offended me.  My first assumption with everything was that it was somehow my fault or that my feelings didn’t matter.

I believe this is where my difficulty setting boundaries came from.  I’ve been reading about and trying to learn to set boundaries.  I need to learn not only how to set them but how to defend them.  I guess the biggest thing for me is learning that I am entitled and worthy to have them. 

For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt unworthy to have wants and needs.  To this day I put others’ feelings ahead of my own.  Thankfully, my children have not continued this in their own lives.  I’m actually in awe of them for how they take care of their own emotional needs so much better than I have ever done.  Not one of them has a problem with standing up for themselves and protecting their boundaries.  Maybe they learned from my mistakes?

My feelings have never felt like they were important or, I should say I always thought they were a bit ridiculous.  My thought has always been, “if I have to tell someone how to treat me, they must not care enough to know”.  I spent my childhood trying to read my mother’s moods and feelings in order to protect myself, my feelings always took a backseat.  Reading my mother’s face to try and predict her mood was something I got really good at because that was important for preservation.  Her mood could change with the snap of a finger.

I’ve lost friendships over not being able to set boundaries. I usually allow people to trample all over my unspoken boundaries until it builds up and I start distancing myself instead of addressing the issue. I do this because I’m so afraid of hurting people’s feelings and, to be totally honest, I’m afraid of anyone being angry with me. Instead of voicing my issues I start being weird with them until they don’t know what the heck I’m doing and I lose the friendship. The friends that have stuck by me are the people that really get me. I’ve been very lucky to have some very strong women that have stuck by me through thick and thin. This also goes for my husband and my children.

I will always be a work in progress but this particular issue is one that I need to focus and work on now because it causes me a lot of stress and heartache.