As I’ve said in the past, my dream is to write a book. I stopped writing because the last thing I want to do is come off whiney. Life has turned out pretty darned good for me. I wouldn’t be the person, wife, mother or friend I am today if I hadn’t gone through all I’ve been through.
I really want my past to be something that someone in an abusive relationship can learn from. My very difficult relationship with my mother made me stronger and also made me a better mother. I had no idea how to raise children but I definitely knew the things I didn’t want to do. I feel like I raised my kids with my heart. Everything I did or said to them was/is done with an overwhelming love for all four of them. They are without a doubt my greatest accomplishment and joy. They are a gift and I am honored and privileged to be their mother!
Randy recently visited his mother. He was going through some of her papers and pictures when he found a letter that I wrote to my family about 9 months after Zach, my first child, was born. I remember that I was working with a therapist who suggested writing my family a letter to work through my feelings. I will share that letter here, hiding the names to protect the guilty.
_________________________
February 12, 1996
Dear Mom, Dad, older brother, sister and younger brother,
By absolutely no means is this letter meant to hurt anyone. It is for me to ask you to face the truth, understand my pain and to help me get on with my life.
I’m going to be throwing a lot of old garbage out for many reasons:
- I need you to hear it and acknowledge it.
- I need you to accept your responsibility
- I need you to realize that I am still in a lot of pain.
- I need you to understand me and all of my actions of the past and present.
I have been dealing with debilitating depression. I’ve tried many things to get through it, therapy and medication have been beneficial in helping me participate in life. Before medication I was a teary, suicidal disaster. Try to picture being in a deep dark hole all by yourself where you can’t get your thoughts together. It’s absolutely the scariest, loneliest place in the world.
Randy has been to hell and back with me, I truly don’t know where I would be without his unconditional love and support. He has picked me up and wiped me off more times than I care to remember. He supports me through therapy, joining me in sessions when he’s needed a clearer understanding of what I’ve been going through.
My whole nightmare began back in May of 1989 when I met the man of my dreams, the man I immediately knew I would spend the rest of my life with. One would think that this should have been the start of the most wonderful time of my life, in a way it was but, it was accompanied by so much pain and heartache. Remembering that time of my life brings back so much pain, all of this pain was coming from my family. I used to believe that family was the one group of people you could always count on. The people who would always love you and stand behind you no matter what. You certainly were the people I would have done absolutely anything for. Now, I truly don’t know what my definition of family is. I don’t blame any one individual for this because you all let me down.
Mom, you hurt me more than I ever thought possible, a hurt that I don’t know if I will ever recover from. Your verbal abuse was more than I could bear and your lack of support destroyed the dreams that every little girl has.
The verbal abuse was constant, daily and knew no bounds. Even when I would be crying hysterically, you would continue. You know, I didn’t understand this abuse then and now that I’m a mother, I understand it even less.
Looking back on this time in my life is so incredibly painful that I’ve had to throw away all of our wedding pictures and our wedding video. Every time I looked at the fake smiles on everyone’s faces it would make me sick.
One might ask where my father was during all of this, well, he was right there, with his mouth closed. Dad, how could you let this go on and do nothing about it? How could you watch me be torn apart and not help me? I know that you didn’t want to make waves but, didn’t you realize that I was dying inside?
XXXXXX (my sister) is the only one that has taken on her responsibility in it all and apologized to me for just sitting by and watching. The reason she felt compelled to do this was because at the beginning of her relationship with XXX (her now husband), she was starting to get the same treatment.
I am just so thankful that, for some reason, the abuse ended for her before it did any damage. It’s the one and only thing that makes my nightmare seem worthwhile – maybe, Mom, you actually learned from your mistakes?!
XXXXX (older brother), as I’ve said in the past, there is absolutely no excuse for the way I acted at your wedding but, I would like to share something with you. Your wedding was an extremely painful experience for me. Mom and Dad were accepting, with much joy, your marriage to a woman they barely knew. They cared about her, purely because they knew that she made you happy and that you loved her. That’s all I wanted, they didn’t have to love Randy, they just had to care about him because they knew I loved him.. That’s not too much to ask for?!
Yes, I had a very hard time saying “good-bye” to XXXXX (your first wife). She was the only one in the entire family who cared. She cared about my wedding plans, it was the only time I was able to be excited about my wedding and my love for Randy. She also saved my wedding day by being happy for us, for these things I will always love her a great deal.
XXXXXX (my sister), I have to tell you that your wedding was the most painful thing I have endured since my own wedding. Mom and Dad were so excited, running around getting ready for the wedding day, helping you with your last minute plans, what really hurt was when I asked you if your limo was picking you up from the airport and you said no, that Mom and Dad were. I know that sounds so insignificant to you but, it’s not to me.
Please believe me when I say that I was very happy for you but, I wish that when it was me in the same shoes, I had parents that would help me. Yes, I was and still am, very jealous of you because they supported you then and now you have your family and the man you love, you were not forced to choose.
XXXXXX (younger brother), it has become perfectly clear to me that through all that has gone on you’ve lost all respect for me. This is the most painful thing of all because of the way I feel about you and because of the special relationship we have always had. You were “my first baby” and always one of the most important and special people in the whole world to me. I will always love you with all of my heart, no matter what you think of me.
Everyone continues to ask when we are coming back, let me tell you all that I have a lot of healing to do before I could ever consider it. Leaving New York when we did, saved my life. I was so depressed, confused and hurt that ending my life was constantly on my mind. I could not bear being forced to choose between my family and my brand new husband. Why couldn’t I have both?! Was that so much to ask for?!
One of my greatest losses is the loss of “home”. To me, home is where you let your hair down and be yourself. The one place in the world where you are always welcomed, always comfortable, and can relax away from the real world for a while. I had this taken away from me, no one should have the right to take that away from someone! You have tried and succeeded in making Randy feel unwelcome and as a result, I am always so uncomfortable I can’t stand it. He is my husband, the most important person in the whole world to me. If you cared for me, at all, you would open your home lovingly to him.
Unfortunately, the pain that I have is not just from the past, I continue to be hurt to this day. What amazes me is that I was practically forced to leave New York yet I continue to be punished for it. I still can’t believe that I gave birth to my first child and not one of my parents accepted my invitation to come here to be with me. I have travelled across the country enough times in the past four years to put us in debt. I’ve travelled for birthdays, graduations, weddings, holidays and just for visits because it was important to me to be there, even though we don’t have the money. I would beg, borrow and steal to be there if any one of you needed me. I just don’t understand what happened to the family I thought I had, could I have been that fooled for over 20 years?!
I needed to say these things to all of you so, I’ve mailed you all copies. I also wanted to avoid the usual, he said, she said, second hand, out of context rumors. Now you all know my feelings and all that I’ve been dealing with. I only hope that this will somehow help in my recovery.
It is very, very important to me to put this all behind me and get on with my life. I now have the most wonderful baby that I must be available for, not only physically but emotionally.
I would appreciate your responses in written form because I find this subject much too emotional to discuss on the phone.
_____________________________________
Unfortunately, my sister’s support ended quickly. The pressure and rumors that my mother spread about me got to her too. As it was when we were growing up, we never protected each other from my mother. I think that when one of us was her target at the time, everyone else was just relieved that it wasn’t them.
The comment I made about my behavior at my brother’s wedding, well, let’s just say, it wasn’t my finest hour. I got very drunk and was a bit too honest about what was going on in our family. At that point in time, I was using alcohol as a crutch for all my pain. I apologized and totally acknowledged that I screwed up that day. I really shouldn’t have even gone to the wedding. My family was treating me so badly, it was so ridiculous for me to go.
My brother’s first wife was one of my favorite people. She definitely didn’t belong with him. She was such a happy, supportive, optimistic person. He dragged her down and hurt her pretty badly. I’m still in touch with her today and am so happy to report that she got remarried and had the beautiful family she deserved.
My youngest brother and I were never able to repair our relationship. I haven’t spoken to him in 20 years. I’m 8 years older than he is and always treated him like he was my child, I certainly felt that way about him. He was such a bright spot in my life growing up, he really meant everything to me. He, like everyone else, believed all the things my mother said about me. She was saying horrible things about me to anyone and everyone that would listen to her.
When I said “could I have been that fooled for over 20 years?!” I really was. Growing up, I thought that everyone dealt with all that I dealt with. I had no idea that my mother’s treatment was abusive, to me it was just the way things were. I think that what we grow up with we tend to believe is “normal” because it’s all we know.
I have to say that when Randy brought this letter home with him and I read it for the first time in 25 years I was very proud of the younger me for writing this letter. I was so afraid of my mother and her reactions to everything, I can’t believe I had the guts to write this letter and send it. I remember being sick to my stomach after I mailed these letters out. I was right to be concerned because when the letter was received, my mother called me in a rage. She did not see this letter as the “wake up call” I had hoped. She was so angry and ready to hurt me. I don’t remember her words but I remember crumbling to the floor in tears. The more I cried the more she raged. She seemed to always find my vulnerability to be the perfect opportunity to continue hurting me while I was down.
I guess to sum it all up, I don’t have a relationship with anyone in my family. Both my parents have passed away, my Dad from Cancer and my Mother from an experimental treatment for Rheumatoid Arthritis. I have no idea what either of my brothers are up to. I do know that my older brother married a third time. He was very abusive to his wife and children, that’s a whole other story for another time.
My sister and I have tried over the years to have a relationship but she is so much like my mother that I really can’t have her in my life. She is so toxic to me and my well being that I can’t have her in my life. What a sad legacy my parents left behind.
Surviving Abuse and Living My Best Life 