I’ve been dealing with rectal issues for the last 26 years. It was the birth of our second child that caused a rectal prolapse and because of, what my doctor believes, is an underlying issue that affects the connective tissue in my body, after every surgery to repair this, it just happens again. My fear is that the more time I spend recovering from all the surgeries and procedures, I’m going to get old before my time.
I just recently had some tests done and a nerve block for the intense pain in my rectal area. It takes about 7 days for the block to take effect. I pretty much know at this point how long it will take and how much pain I will be in for the following week but I still can’t help but start to get very depressed half way through. I have always been a very physical person. I love doing lawn work, exercising, walking, playing volleyball and even just being able to do things with my kids but these things have been very limited because of the pain. The hardest part is knowing that, at this point, every procedure and surgery isn’t going to be the last. I’ve been thinking for all these years that “if I can just get this done”, “when this surgery works”, etc. It’s NEVER the last one. Right now I feel like this will be my life forever. I’m exhausted, depressed and just sick of all of this. I just want my life back.
I know that there are people out there dealing with much more serious diseases, conditions, ailments, etc. and when I watch a video showing someone coming back from something devastating it makes me feel like, “if they can bounce back from that, I certainly can”. It’s so hard though. It’s hard to keep up that attitude when all it ever feels like is I’m either in pain or recovering from another procedure or surgery. I honestly am starting to feel like, what is the point of bouncing back when it’s just all going to happen again.
What keeps me going is my family. I have the most wonderful husband and children a woman could ask for. My kids call me every day to check on me. My husband has sat in waiting rooms, more times than we can count, waiting for me to come out. They never ever give up on me so I can’t give up on myself. I need to just keep going, no matter what life throws at me.
My kids have had significant others that wonder how I can talk about my rectal issues so openly. The answer is that once you’ve dealt with something as long as I have, it just becomes something that I can easily talk about without shame. If it was a more “respectable” injury no one would think twice about me talking about it. This has become my normal and I’m not going to be ashamed of what I’m dealing with.
One thing I’m very proud of is that this hasn’t affected my work as a CASA too much. I’m so blessed to be able to work as a volunteer that really makes a difference and sometimes this is what really keeps me going. I thank my amazing husband for that. I’ve not only had the incredible joy and gift of staying home with my kids as they grew up but I also have the blessing of not having to get a job and being able to use my time to volunteer.
So, life has thrown me a lot of curve balls but I wouldn’t change where I am and what I have in my life for anything in this world.
Surviving Abuse and Living My Best Life 