CODEPENDENCY

Nine months ago I started attending Co-dependence Anonymous Meetings (CoDA).  I’ve been told many times throughout my years of therapy that I have a lot of the patterns of codependency.  Once I joined, started listening to others and reading the materials, I am 100% convinced that I am Codependent. 

I have always thought that working on myself was important, especially since I grew up in a very abusive and dysfunctional home.  I knew I didn’t want to repeat the patterns I grew up with but I struggled to know exactly what that looked like.  I definitely wasn’t going to treat my loved ones the way I was treated but I never really had the tools to necessarily do that properly.  What I did know was that I had a lot of work to do to be the wife, mother, cousin and friend my family and friends deserved.  I can honestly say that throughout the years I did my very best to be what everyone else needed.  The one thing I can say, with confidence, is that I always made sure that my children knew that no matter what, I loved them with all of my heart.  Now that my kids are getting older and I’m so close to being an empty-nester, I’m realizing more and more that I need to get myself healthy not just for the people I love but for myself too.

This is why I’m working so hard on myself in CoDA and also in therapy.  I want to be someone I’m proud to look at in the mirror, the one that makes my family and friends proud to have me in their lives.  Also, as my children have gotten older and our relationships have changed and matured, I have to admit that I want more.  I want to be their friend that doesn’t judge and gives advice only when asked.  I want them to be able to count on me to be there for them, to be a listening, non-judgemental ear for them to confide in.  I want to be the best friend I can possibly be to them.

Growing up I learned the skills to survive but I’m not in survival mode anymore so I need to learn new skills to be the person I really want to be and not to just survive but to thrive.

I’ve also realized through this journey that I have severe abandonment issues.  I believe it’s because when my mother decided that she didn’t want me in her life anymore and my father and siblings went along with it, I was hurt more than I ever thought a person could hurt, it was devastating.  I lost everything all at one time.  It was a mourning process that took many, many years to heal from.  I’m very thankful for my husband who was there for me through it all and never wavered in his support for me.   I’ve had similar feelings recently when I lost a very important person in my life.  The feelings of abandonment came rushing back.  All the pain, hurt, shame, shock came back with a vengeance.  Thankfully, I have amazing people in my life that have helped lift me back up.  I’m not that kid that lost her family anymore, I’m a confident adult (well, working on my confidence everyday) and I’m learning new tools to deal with hurt and disappointment.  It still took a toll on me but now I was able to move forward which in the past I wasn’t really capable of.