Next Tuesday I go into the hospital to get a nerve block for my unrelenting rectal pain. My doctor will also do any other repairs she needs to do while she’s in there. As the time gets closer to the procedure I’m getting more emotional because I honestly don’t know what I will do if this doesn’t give me relief. I’m trying so hard to be positive and optimistic but I’m really struggling. I’ve been living in constant pain for five months now and it is definitely taking its toll on me emotionally, physically and mentally.
My life has not been the same since my last four surgeries to repair chronic rectal prolapses. The pain has stopped me from doing most of the things that I enjoy in life. If I do make plans I have to plan way ahead of time because once I go out it takes me three to four days to get back to doing anything because the pain is so overwhelming. I am on pain medication and a muscle relaxer, they don’t take the pain away but they make things a little more manageable.
The depression that I have been dealing with is overwhelming. I’ve even started seeing a therapist virtually because I just can’t pull out of this. I haven’t been this down in probably close to 10 years. My amazing psychiatrist was able to label my depression as in remission, this is no longer the case.
On top of all of this my son is moving out on Saturday. He moved back in right before Christmas because he was struggling financially. He’s now been working at a new job for about four months and is doing so well that he’s ready to get back out there on his own. I know that at 25 years old it is very important for him to get back to being self-sufficient and I’m so proud of him but, having him here is like living with one of my best friends and I’m going to miss him terribly. He’s not going too far, he’ll be about an hour away so we will definitely be seeing each other often, it’s just not the same. And, before you think to yourself that this is how life is supposed to be, kids get older, they move out on their own and make their own lives. I totally get that and I’m so proud of all three of my older children for being so independent, it’s just a hard adjustment. I always say that I wish I didn’t like my kids so much because then I wouldn’t miss them as much as I do but, they are all absolutely amazing people that I absolutely adore.
Surviving Abuse and Living My Best Life 