Blog #8 I Wish I Felt A Loss

In the past few months, I’ve had quite a few friends who have lost their Moms.  They are all heartbroken and wishing they had more time with them. As strange as this sounds, I envy them because they have that relationship to mourn.  

My mother passed away 9 years ago next month.  We weren’t communicating for the 8 years before she passed; so I heard about her death from my cousin.  I was shocked, I did cry, a lot, not because I’d miss her, but because I wish I had had the kind of relationship to miss her.  The feeling I had was mostly sadness because of what “could have been” and now, would never be.

I wish she loved me. I wish she wanted to be a part of my life.  I wish she wanted to know my children, I think they are pretty awesome!  Her death was the end of the dream that someday she’d call me and apologize for the way she treated me and that she want to start all over again.  All she ever had to say to me was that she was sorry and I would have let the whole past go and been ready to start all over again.

In a way, her death was a relief too because I could stop pretending that all these things would happen.  Then I started thinking that maybe she left me something that would say the words that seemed impossible for her to say when she was alive –  “I’m sorry”. But, the next thing I found out, that totally rocked me was that she wrote me out of her Will.

I received a copy of the Will in the mail from her lawyer that I had to sign it and agree that I would not contest it.  I was devastated all over again. I didn’t want anything monetary, I was just hoping that she’d left something to say that she was sorry or even that she loved me.  She had the opportunity, in death, to explain, apologize, say she loved me, something, anything, but once again she hurt me on purpose! I was devastated because, once again I put myself out there and she hurt me!

I guess my point to this Blog is that for those of you that are mourning the death of your Moms, I get it, I know that my children will mourn my death.  I mourned the death of my relationship with my mother, so many times and I know that it is incredibly painful. The time you had with them was so precious.  Having that kind of relationship with your mother is what life is all about. Dr. Phil always says something like – don’t just remember the death, remember all the time you had together.  All the good times. I know that if I had a mother that loved me, I would be a different person today.

I love my children with all of my heart and all of my soul.  I want the best for all of them, even if it means moving away from me even though losing people is so hard for me.  I know that I have built a foundation with my children that we will always love each other, always have respect for each other and have wonderful memories together.  Obviously, I hope we all make more memories but if life takes them to other places, I will visit, I will invite them and I will find any way to continue being in their lives and having them in mine.