Blog #5 – YOU DON’T HAVE TO CONTINUE THE CYCLE OF ABUSE – PART II

I don’t believe it was an option for me to continue the cycle of abuse.  It just seems unfathomable to me to treat the four people I love most in this world, my children, in the same horrible, heinous way I was treated as a child.

In raising my children I didn’t have role models to show me what was “normal” so I pretty much just followed my heart. I’ve definitely had to use my husband, therapists and friends to help me set the proper boundaries for a lot of things. I didn’t always know where the healthy lines were because they were never drawn for me. Things like helping them to spread their wings to grow up normal and healthy while keeping them safe. I also had a lot trouble with discipline because I never saw it given without pain and humiliation. My fear was that any discipline would be seen, in their eyes, as my love being taken away from them, it was a very emotional slope for me. I would primarily talk them through situations and put them in timeouts. My daughter, who was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder has been much more of a challenge for me because she’s always been more rebellious, I will go into that more in a future blog.

Unfortunately, I can’t say the same thing about my older brother when it comes to continuing the cycle of abuse:

At some point during 2005, my brother’s second wife got in touch with me via email and asked me to call her. I was very surprised by this email because I hadn’t talked to my family in about three years and was very concerned about what this could be about. I certainly didn’t want to be pulled back into anything having to do with my family. It had taken me so long to finally free myself from them, there was no way I was going to get back into any of it. I had three beautiful children and we had just found out that we had a fourth one on the way, life was really, really good for me.

After talking it over with my husband for a few days we decided that I should just find out what it was that she wanted because it would probably just drive me crazy not knowing. When I called her I quickly found out that she and my brother were divorced and they were in the midst of a custody battle over their two children. She said that she and the kids needed family. Knowing that they weren’t connected with my family anymore I thought it would be safe to have some communication with them.

We met with the three of them a few times when I found out that the real reason she contacted me was that my brother had continued the cycle of abuse with their children. She asked me if I could give a statement to a guardian ad litem on the children’s behalf. She wanted me to tell them about the environment my brother and I had grown up in and how he’d become quite a bit like my mother once he’d reached his teen years. When I say this I mean that he was very moody and he could be very dark, mean, and emotionally and mentally abusive. He also had a face that he put on in public so no one knew what he was really like behind closed doors.

I prayed about giving my testimony because once I did I knew there would be no turning back. Any kind of relationship with my brother or anyone else in my family would definitely be out of the question, not that I wanted one but, this would really seal the deal. It didn’t take very long for me to know that I had to do this. I could not allow their children to continue to be abused by him, especially since they would have to be alone with him when it was his turn to take them.

I made my statement and haven’t spoken to him since and never spoke to my mother again. To this day, I know that I did the right thing. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I hadn’t done it. I honestly don’t understand continuing the cycle of abuse. If you didn’t like being treated that way, why would you treat the people you love most in the world that way…I just don’t get it.