Within the first year of our marriage, Randy and I were having problems, so I made us an appointment with a marriage counselor. In our very first session it didn’t take the counselor very long to tell us that the problem wasn’t with us as a couple, but it was with me. I was not only damaged from my past but, my mother was still abusing me on a daily basis.
After we were married, my mother had taken to calling me every morning before I left for work to tell me what a horrible, selfish person I was for getting married and moving out (we moved only a mile from my parents house because I insisted that we live close to them. I thought if I kept working on things with my mother I could make our relationship work). I would drive to work everyday in tears. I can remember days that felt so dark, I contemplated driving my car into oncoming traffic, I think the only thing that stopped me was the thought of hurting another person. I was a newlywed, so in love with my new husband but I had lost the love of my mother and my family because my mother refused to accept my marriage and had begun to spread horrible lies about me to my siblings and anyone else that would listen.
During this time I planned a trip for Randy and I to Rhode Island. My plan was to tell him that I wanted a divorce. I knew that the depression that I was falling deeper and deeper into was not only destroying me, and our marriage, but it was hurting Randy. I felt that it wasn’t fair to put him through this any longer. He was young, handsome, successful, sweet, and kind, he could have anyone he wanted and it was time for him to go and have a normal life. I also assumed that since I was so disposable to my family, eventually he would leave too. I was falling more in love with him everyday and the longer we were together the more it would hurt when he left.
When I told Randy I wanted a divorce, he absolutely refused. He insisted that he wasn’t going anywhere and that he was with me and committed to our marriage for the long haul. We ended up having the most amazing, romantic few days. I had been quiet and teary the whole ferry ride there and on the way back I was more in love with this amazing guy I married and thought that I was ready for anything that came my way. But then, once again, my mother was back in my life as soon as we were back.
Years later when I confronted her about calling me every morning and verbally abusing me, she denied every single call.
You might be wondering – “why did I answer the phone every morning…” because I couldn’t give up on the dream that one of those mornings her call would be the “I’m sorry” call or the “I love you” call. I needed her love and acceptance so badly it was tearing me apart. She was “supposed” to love me unconditionally. I put myself out there every day and got hurt every single day because I could not give up on the hope that tomorrow would be different, that tomorrow would be “the day”.
I wasted so many years of my life not being happy because I didn’t know how to put up boundaries to protect myself from her. If you are in the same position that I was, get into therapy and start dealing with reality. She is not going to change if she refuses to admit she even has a problem. Start living your life, get healthy now, don’t waste 40+ years hoping that she’ll will change.
Surviving Abuse and Living My Best Life 